Lyta Alexander

OOC: run, rudolph, RUN

Sat, 10 Jul 2004 03:56:15 GMT

[OOC: away for weekend, doing all sorts of family/estate/nostalic activities of non-fun and etc. may not have internet access. probably will not have time, even if i do. so, yeah, catchup is a (side)dish best served cold, late sunday/early monday and with a nice plate of french fries. the end.]

Tue, 06 Jul 2004 18:43:47 GMT

What is good and what is evil?

The first time I saw Kosh, the first time I looked into his mind, everything slipped into place with a simplicity that was almost frightening. Good was good; evil was evil. There was no place for the grey places, no place for questions. Things were, or they weren't, and that was that. It was beautiful.

Too beautiful for mere words. And I wanted more. So I went after it.

I chased the Vorlons, chased Kosh, chased this perfection I thought I'd found. (His mind was pure light, brightness like you can't even imagine, and it sang. His mind was a song, and light, and the melody wrapped itself around me until I couldn't fathom existing without it. Until I didn't want to exist without it.)

So I thought the Vorlons were good. The Shadows evil. And I fought, donating my very body to the cause. I was altered, changed, "fixed." I became the ultimate weapon for the light. And, I've discovered, it still wasn't enough.

I still wasn't enough.

The war raged on. Good v. Evil. Vorlon v. Shadow. White v. Black.

We thought we were on the side of good. We were wrong.

Good isn't order, any more than evil is chaos. "Who are you?" and "What do you want?" are both important questions, ones we should ask ourselves, but both can be twisted and abused and warped.

Whereas Kosh was light and music, his successor was the absence thereof. (Which isn't to say that he was darkness- he wasn't. Just not light, either. Not music. Not what I'd come to recognize as Vorlon. As good.) And then came the pain.

The thing about good and evil is how incredibly difficult it is to differentiate between the two, sometimes. Both can be masked in good intentions; both can be utterly appealing, on first contact. Both can lure, seduce, and manipulate you. Both can be indescribably beautiful.

I think I've stopped believing in pure good and evil. They don't exist. Instead, I believe in the shades of grey.

Sun, 04 Jul 2004 23:33:07 GMT

Life has been... difficult, lately. Complicated. Confusing. Not knowing who, or what, you are tends to do that to a girl. Anyway, I've been thinking too much and asking myself far too many questions, and I've come to the seemingly inevitable conclusion that, in the end, I've stopped caring what people think of me.

Or maybe I care too much.

It's hard to tell. Anyway. Mostly, I've been feeling more and more helpless, more and more used and much more angry. Confusion turns to blind fury quite easily, it seems.

Would you live forever, if you had the choice?

Sometimes I wonder if I actually will live forever. After all, I'm not quite sure what, exactly, has been done to me. Maybe I'll just continue like this, forever, eternally an outcast and eternally alone.

Then I think I'm being sort of morbid. And that I'm not answering the question.

Do I want to live forever? No. Would I choose to live forever? No.

Do I really think I have that choice? No. Lately, it seems that more and more of the most important decisions regarding my life have been stripped from me, maliciously and cruelly, by those with more power than I. And I'm sick of it. And I'm angry. And, once again, I'm avoiding the original question.

I don't want to live forever. Sometimes, I don't even want to live the finite life I've been granted. Life is fickle, and cruel, and for it to continue indefinitely, without the possibility of an end, would be a fate worse than any death.

What's more important- self preservation or forgiveness?

Maybe I am not a good person. Maybe I'm immoral and desperate and angry.

But I believe in myself, and little else, these days, and in self-preservation above forgiveness. Forgiveness, from what I can tell, helps the forgiven far more than the person doing the forgiving. I don't seek forgiveness, and, while I'll grant it in certain situations, I'm not about to put someone else's peace of mind above my own safety.

So, yeah, call me a bad person, if you want. I don't care. Hell, I might even take it as a compliment, these days.

Tue, 29 Jun 2004 20:26:13 GMT

The world will end tomorrow. What do you do today?

Refuse to apologize for anything. Refuse to beg.

Have sex, lots of it, with anyone I find attractive or intriguing. Eat something fattening and chocolate. Drink something deadly and potent. Steal something from the Zocolo.

[locked] Burn my gloves. While Bester watches. (Tied up.) (Not like that.) Smile while I'm doing it. Laugh when it's over. Stick my pin into his arm, drawing blood. Laugh some more.

Walk away. He's not worth the time. [/locked]

Tell everyone exactly what I think about them. Exactly.

Take my enemies out with me.

How do you view commitment?

The word itself makes me think of the Corps. Of not being able to breathe. Fear.

(What- did you mean something else?)

Okay, so you probably meant commitment as applies to love, yes? In which case, I'm decidedly ambivalent. It's wonderful in theory, messy in practice, and absolutely frightening to anyone with half a brain.

But I still think of the Corps every time I hear the word.

[OOC, once more with feeling]

Tue, 29 Jun 2004 20:07:42 GMT

[the mun says: not dead, just broken. but i'm better now.

or: RL went topsy-turvy and then my brain stopped working for a while, which lead to other things, and etceteras of all varieties. but now i'm back, and ready to play. for real, this time, as last time was such a messy lack of, well, anything actually happening.

end of message. back to that place i go.]

life as a movie

Fri, 07 May 2004 13:48:44 GMT

What would your life be, if it were a movie? Comedy, horror, drama sci-fi? And who would play you?

A farce. One of those movies where everything that possibly can go wrong, does, and the main character keeps getting the shit pounded out of her and the audience just sits there, laughing hysterically. And I'm sure they'd find some twit weathergirl from ISN- you know, one of those "I always wanted to be a serious actress" bimbos- to play me.

Not that I'm bitter. Just... righteously indignant.

OOC, she declares.

Fri, 30 Apr 2004 13:01:49 GMT

[a note from the mun: or, an excuse-type thing. mainly, this is to say that, if you've commented in the last day or two or will comment over the weekend or are commenting right this second, i will be unable to respond until, say, late sunday night or early monday morning (depending on definition, time zones, etc.). a migraine yesterday, meetings and corporate big-wigs at work today, three stories to finish tonight, and a weekend of fun-filled (ooh, a first communion! aah, a crew meet! ooh, fighting over knick-knacks and knitting needles!) family obligations will keep me offline until then. so, yes, not ignoring so much as running around like a chicken with its yadda yadda you get the picture.

catch you on the flip-side, yo.]

Where would I choose to live and why?

Wed, 28 Apr 2004 13:28:21 GMT

The short answer: I don't know.

I've put alot of thought into this, and, somehow, I can't quite come up with a satisfactory answer. I mean, I'm a teep. It doesn't matter if I'm on Earth, Centauri Prime, or even Babylon 5; someone's always going to be afraid of me. Someone's always going to hate me. And I've mostly adjusted to that fact. Mostly accepted that, yes, I'm different, and people don't like what they don't understand. And I'm not even going to get into why the Psi Corps isn't the place for me, not today, at any rate. So I'm left with "I don't know."

Maybe that's why I'm here, on Babylon 5. Because, in the end, it's the closest thing I have to a home. Even if I'm not quite sure what that means, most of the time; because, maybe, I need to discover who I am, really, without the Corps, without Kosh, without a myriad of other things with which to define myself, before I can discover where I belong.

Tue, 27 Apr 2004 12:32:33 GMT

Apparently, all this travel is taking more of a toll on me than I could've ever expected. The minute, no the second, I entered my quarters, I dumped my bags on the floor and proceeded to sleep for what feels like days; hell, maybe it has been. All I know is, I used to be able to travel across the known galaxy and back again and still have the energy to, I don't know, run a marathon or something.

Maybe all of the stress of the past few years has finally caught up to me in the most spectacular fashion. I don't know; maybe I'm just getting old. Hopefully, I'll be back to nor- myself again, soon.

Sun, 25 Apr 2004 15:24:42 GMT

"Who are you?" the Vorlon like to ask. So: who am I?

My name is Lyta Alexander. I am a telepath, a conduit, a sentient being. I am female. I sometimes fear what I've become; I fear that in choosing to become more, in allowing myself to become modified, I've become less. When I look in a mirror, these days, it's a stranger that peers back at me.

I'm still trying to work out the rest of it.

What better place for that, really, than back on Babylon 5?